moments like today, you feel at peace. The withdrawals are gone. You don’t feel anger, that phase has passed, but the distance feels like clairvoyance. There’s certainly a ton of emotion below the surface and even the thought of her at time turns my sex drive out of control. The overall feeling of, how could you purposefully put me through all this pain just so that you can get some enjoyment, some experience, some love from another human while taking me out of the equation completely is one of disenfranchised sadness and neglect. The context is different this time around. There wasn’t any thought of how it may affect. I would just be able to handle it and maybe when you’re bored or unhappy with your current piece of cake I’ll be around to pick up the pieces. A new man, a better stronger more fulfilling person than you knew before and everything you decided to do will have been in the right. No harm done.
Maybe, maybe not. I’ve never felt so depressed in my life. I’ve felt so lowly it’s almost hard to gauge it. And it felt like an attack. No it just felt caused by you. It’s left me with an animosity not in anger, but of fear and distrust. Inside I can sense it. I still want you, but my brain is telling me different. That I would never choose to put someone through what I’ve been through so how could I be with someone who could. When consideration has always been something championed it seems to have been thrown to the wayside, but not by myself. I guess that’s the quintessence of letting go. The emotions there, but without the commitment, intimacy, and joint visions it begins to fall into distrust, resignment, and animosity.
I cherish what we’ve developed in terms of self-reflection, critical self-reflection, and self-revelation to each other. I’m disappointed she doesn’t feel it’s worth fighting for or really doesn’t trust me to overcome my own vices. My own critical points. I’ll let time does what it does best though.